I had been thinking of picking up my old blog for the past few weeks. I was inspired to do this by an old acquaintance, Rachael, who had recently started one up. I was lying in bed tonight and browsing the web when I stumbled upon a youtube video about a certain drug of a certain psychedelic type...
For some reason I had a premonition that this generically titled video about the drug would have some scary truth about it, the kind of scary truth that I might explain later but some of us deep meditators are all too familiar with (essentially the illusion of life). I have no idea whether this video would have scared me or not but I do know that the combination of me having that mind-frame and the music starting out loudly did in fact terrify me for a moment. Add on to that the picture of an alien head on a thumbnail for a related video and, presto, I am now blogging instead of freaking myself out late at night. I decide to start a new blog because my old one was rather childish, late-adolescent/young-adultish to be exact.
So this post is about pure fear. I have had certain experiences that have added depth to my understanding of things, mostly through meditation. I do believe that those experiences have, for better or worse, opened up (down?) certain depths in my consciousness. I will never know if these depths are well-placed or beneficial. This is fine with me. Without dwelling on this set-up, I mean to say that I do think my personal depth-journeys have led me to some truth and insight about this particular subject.
What is pure fear? I think that I know. I must confess. Pure fear is fear that one has no control, that life as one knows it is a lie, that from this moment forward one will know for sure that nothing one called important before will ever seem even slightly meaningful ever again.
Pure fear can be described differently. Pure fear is not an approaching death where death is believed to be nothingness. Pure fear is realizing that one is already dead or rather the reaction to that realization. When I say "dead" here I mean that a realization takes all meaning out of all things one thought would continue with meaning. Pure fear is the instantaneous, pre-conscious reaction to that realization which itself might be unconscious.
And now, for those of you who have hung in there with me this long, I offer you a warm repose. Fear is only ego-deep and you are not your ego. Fear is limited in degree to the level of control your ego has on you. The ego must first convince itself of important, meaningful things before it can convince you of them. The ego wants to be needed and so invents. Before we go too hard on the little one we must remember that it is not malicious in intent. It wishes to serve, wishes to help us survive, wishes to give us something to think about. We let it do everything that it does but then... we forget that we have let it. So when an outside event or an intuitive realization occurs which pulls the rug out from under all of those white lies, the emptiness of the ego is revealed and for us the reaction is fear. If it truly was all of those white lies which were destroyed, then the fear will be great indeed. For a split second our self is without a blanket, without a room, without a story to be constantly listening to (whether it be a close listen like to a lover's heartbeat or as an old woman listens to the TV in the other room while she does her chores). Our self thinks that it is without itself. In truth, it has just taken a big leap toward self-realization.
I hope that if you have followed this far you have also understood that this post begs and may answer the question: Is death the end?
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